11. Best performance by an actor in the role of a robot, pirate or ninja

10. Most innovative product placement sponsored by American Express

9. Best actor not playing a retard, drunk, or insane person

8. Most coherent screenplay adapted from a video game

7. Best performance while battling a heroin addiction

6. Best performance by a plastic surgeon to extend the career of an aging star

5. Least boring acceptance speech from last year’s awards

4. Best performance by a good looking actor who can’t act

3. Most awesome decapitation

2. Most obvious attempt to pander to the Oscar voters by a comic actor playing a dramatic role

And the #1 “Oscar Categories You Will Never See” is….

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1. The Ben Affleck and Matt Damon Best Friends Forever Honorary Oscar for Buddiness